Santa’s Little Helper

We have officially hit the holiday season. I know this because Elf was on the other night. I don’t care how early decorations are up or if carols are playing in my favorite coffee shop. I am in denial about the season’s greetings until I hear “Buddy the Elf, what’s your favorite color?” And now I can happily quote it for the next month.

He must be a South Pole elf.

I just like to smile. Smiling's my favorite. ~ Buddy the Elf

That being said, boys, if you have yet to decide what to get your sugar plum this year, I am going to give you some suggestions… of what NOT to get her.

For most of us, you can’t go wrong with jewelry, tickets to the ballet (or a Steelers game in my case), or spa gift certificates for a day of pampering (bonus points if you pay for a girlfriend to go too).

We girls are picky, and we have good taste… obviously. So to help you out, I have listed gifts that are definitely not they way to her heart – or in her pants – for the holidays.

1. Clothing that she cannot return. Girls love clothes. But no matter how long you’re together or peruse her fashion magazines, I guarantee that you can’t find something that she’ll like. You’ll spend hours at girlie stores talking to snobby sales women, thinking “Leopard print is always in style, right?” and “If it looks good on the mannequin, it will look good on my woman!” We appreciate the effort, because we know you tried. Just add a little extra effort, and hold on to the receipt.

2. Anything that plugs in. I know, some of my girlfriends who like to cook will say they’d love a crock-pot or Panini maker. Please, leave those gifts on her wish list for her mom or sister to buy her. Nothing says, “I love you” like “I really want a grilled sandwich.”

3.  Anything that is used or refurbished. Sloppy seconds ain’t our style. And buying the manufacturer’s second attempt just to save a few bucks is a no-no. The only exception of this rule is a collectible or one-of-a-kind antique. I got a refurbished iPod from a guy once. He could afford to get me a brand new iPod, so it was a bit insulting to get something that was broken, returned and fixed up. And if you must break this rule (recycling has its benefits, I suppose), at least make the effort to take it out of the “refurbished” packaging so she doesn’t know the difference.

This is a Flavia coffee maker. I got this from a guy once. He was a cotton-headed ninny-muggins.

4.  And while we’re on it, the only thing worse than refurbished is a knock-off. If you can’t afford to get us expensive gifts, really, it’s OK. We sized up your wallet on the first date, so if we’re still with you, it’s because we love you, and we want gifts that are as authentic and real as our relationship. If your lady has expensive tastes, chances are she can spot a fake, and therefore can spot a boyfriend who’s taking the easy way out.  No Louie is better than Chinatown Louie.

5.  Religious memorabilia. I realize the holidays have religious meanings, but take my advice and leave the baby Jesus paintings and “Find a friend in God” books out of the sweetie-pie gift exchange. There’s plenty of time for prayers. Think of it this way: when she opens your present, do you really want her thinking about the Virgin Mary?

6.  Clothes sized with an “L.” I don’t care if you know it won’t fit. Buy the medium and save the receipt. See above, item #1.

7.  Anything that you consider getting for your mom. If you think your mom would like it, get it for her and keep shopping. A few examples include cook books, perfumes, or let’s say buying four tickets to Wicked, so you can all go together. Your little candy cane wants to feel like she’s one in a million, and not be compared to your mother on Christmas morning. Your mom may be a nice lady, but give us both a bit more creativity.

I speak from the heart. I have received six of the gifts listed above. I have yet to receive a knock off, but now I’m hoping that with the warning, the boy would know better. And yeah, it’s no joke – I received a book about God as a gift from a boyfriend once.

It is true that it’s the thought that counts. And in this economy, being thoughtful and thankful and getting to share the holidays with your turtle dove are what’s most important.

But as I am in the giving mood, my gift to my male readers is advice to get you a little something extra under the mistletoe.

If you know us and love us, you should have no problem coming up with the perfect gift. Chances are, we’ve been dropping hints all year to help you out.

Ladies, if you have more ideas of what shouldn’t stuff your stocking, please share!

Happy Holidays, everyone!

It’s just like Santa’s workshop. Except it smells like mushrooms… and everyone looks like they wanna hurt me.

~ Elissa


About elissasblog

About the Author: Elissa writes about her experiences with her career and relationships and the difficulty in keeping the balance, especially while wearing 4-inch heels.
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4 Responses to Santa’s Little Helper

  1. K says:

    Jewelry is OK, but any jewelry advertised on a commercial is not. I don’t care how much you loved Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman, her Open Heart collection is lame, gaudy and ugly.

  2. elissasblog says:

    Vicki told me, “I don’t care what Kay says. I bet more kisses begin with Bud or Miller Lite.” I think about that every time I see the commercials now. 🙂

  3. Sarah says:

    Loved your post! I thought you’d enjoy this article from Gawker if you hadn’t seen it:

  4. Emily says:

    I don’t think this is bitchy or ungrateful at all! I love it, Elissa! You are one smart cookie! Now, if any man cared enough about me to want to even spend Christmas with me, I’d be excited. No luck there.

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